It's been a while since my last post...over a year and that's because I gave up, I got comfortable in how I was working and eating. Thinking that since I'm doing what I have done for the past year and half I will also continue to lose the way I had been and that was probably the biggest lie I could have told myself. Since I let myself belief that lie, I stayed exactly the way I was but I had myself convinced that I was still losing weight and getting more comfortable with myself.
Yet in actuality I was digging myself back into the hole that I had almost successful gotten out of...I gained back 10 pounds and gained back almost all of the problems that I had started with. Food became and is still my biggest enemy again ruling my mind and psyche every time I go to take a bite, and in all honestly it's a terrible feeling but I can't seem to remember how I started the last time. Not to mention that the thought of starting over from scratch at least mentally is terrifying but I owe it to myself to give it a valiant try. I'm starting college in the fall and I don't want to go living in the fear of being the "fat" girl or the normal girl who has the "fat girl complex" because I hate those types of girls but I know that I'm ridiculously close to filling that spot and that in itself brings tears to my eyes.
I want to start this chapter of my life with confidence and security in myself, something that I feel I never have had and I'm not quite sure how to go about getting to that spot? It's something I have been struggling with for awhile. I don't want to revert to the more drastic ways I have tried in the past I want to achieve "me" by being healthy and fit and most importantly happy!!! So I have new motivation to try out and hopefully I have gotten my determination because I'm sick and tired of feeling the way I'm feeling and thinking.
I'm going on a cruise in November I bought a bikini....absolutely terrifying but exciting at the same time. It's adorable, teal and lime green and exactly what I imagined would be perfect for island hopping, it fits now but I don't feel pretty in it...so that's my goal to feel pretty and confident in the bikini by November or 5 months.
My biggest problem spot is my stomach and I'm having trouble figuring out how to shrink it up...I'm back to protein shakes for breakfast and working out at least once usually twice a day and we will just have to see where it goes. I will try to keep updating on my process because I heard on that when you write down goals it helps you to stay motivated, so here I go!
start: 163.3
bust: 36
smallest part of waist: 34
widest part of hips: 40
Sassy and striving to be strut worthy in a bikini,
Kelsey
Showing posts with label diets and Self-image. Show all posts
Showing posts with label diets and Self-image. Show all posts
Monday, July 9, 2012
Wednesday, February 2, 2011
Ice Storms, British Slang and Trying to find the Perfect Prom Date
When you are slightly bubbly and I don't mean personality wise finding a prom dat is anything BUT a walk in the park. Especially when the only guy friends you have are either popular, players or the kind of guy that every other girl in school has as their "safe" back-up date. However I remain optimistic in my search for the perfect prom date and in correlation with this my first ever slow dance partner, no matter how desperate the search is becoming.
But I think the real reason that I am so dreadfully afraid of not finding a prom date is the fact that in my, slightly over-analytical, mind (which I might point out comes in handy some of time) makes me believe that it's just because I don't deserve a person to go with, I don't deserve to have my dream moment, because let's face it what girl doesn't dream of the movie prom night...c'mon does "Cinderella Story" ring a bell to anyone or even the scene in "Princess Diaries"( just because it's a ball it still counts as a prom, it's the principle of the matter, PEOPLE!!!). I honestly believe this is part of my fat girl mentality from years of constantly beating myself up, tearing myself down, and having other people due the same. Even with 60 pounds gone and NEVER coming back if I have anything to do with it (which I totally do by the way) I fear I will always carry around this mentality with me....no matter how many calories I cut or extra minutes I do on the treadmill. In my head I will always be the girl who hid behind my book worm nature or my sarcastic-ness.
This if you are wondering was brought on while sitting here in my corner (let's face it, this is where the blog's home is) getting ready to head of to the Hotel in which my Junior prom will take place to plan out the whole thing, after spending the whole last week and a half figuring buses, pictures and post-prom party house....that's a different concern for a different day, but no fear I will end up freaking out about that too, (Can you say Co-Ed sleepover jitters!!!). All this put together with a REALLY AWESOME week last week and a not so good week this week...however this week isn't over yet, I'm trying to remain positive really I am. Makes for a very nervous, and stressed girl who is having trouble with the whole lose 20 pounds before April 1st goal...or in other words a VERY SAD Kelsey.
On to a much more funny aspect of Operation: SSTSD(please look at title for meaning) is the fact I'm trying to remember that I have lost weight, that I am pretty and that I can talk and socialize more with people because I am worthy of it and have worked hard to get where I am. Not going to lie it is not the easiest thing to do most of the time. So onto the funny part, British slang is taking over my classes or more specifically the people I hang out with (call us geeks but it is very fun) we now add words such as knackered, bugger, bloody (I believe that's okay to put online???) and a variety of let's say more colorful words to our daily conversation. Really you should try it, you may sound completely "nutters" but I guarantee you will have a jolly good time.
Sadly, I must cut this entry short as I need to prepare myself for what should be an very....interesting afternoon.
Cheerio from your sassy and sweet mate,
Kelsey
But I think the real reason that I am so dreadfully afraid of not finding a prom date is the fact that in my, slightly over-analytical, mind (which I might point out comes in handy some of time) makes me believe that it's just because I don't deserve a person to go with, I don't deserve to have my dream moment, because let's face it what girl doesn't dream of the movie prom night...c'mon does "Cinderella Story" ring a bell to anyone or even the scene in "Princess Diaries"( just because it's a ball it still counts as a prom, it's the principle of the matter, PEOPLE!!!). I honestly believe this is part of my fat girl mentality from years of constantly beating myself up, tearing myself down, and having other people due the same. Even with 60 pounds gone and NEVER coming back if I have anything to do with it (which I totally do by the way) I fear I will always carry around this mentality with me....no matter how many calories I cut or extra minutes I do on the treadmill. In my head I will always be the girl who hid behind my book worm nature or my sarcastic-ness.
This if you are wondering was brought on while sitting here in my corner (let's face it, this is where the blog's home is) getting ready to head of to the Hotel in which my Junior prom will take place to plan out the whole thing, after spending the whole last week and a half figuring buses, pictures and post-prom party house....that's a different concern for a different day, but no fear I will end up freaking out about that too, (Can you say Co-Ed sleepover jitters!!!). All this put together with a REALLY AWESOME week last week and a not so good week this week...however this week isn't over yet, I'm trying to remain positive really I am. Makes for a very nervous, and stressed girl who is having trouble with the whole lose 20 pounds before April 1st goal...or in other words a VERY SAD Kelsey.
On to a much more funny aspect of Operation: SSTSD(please look at title for meaning) is the fact I'm trying to remember that I have lost weight, that I am pretty and that I can talk and socialize more with people because I am worthy of it and have worked hard to get where I am. Not going to lie it is not the easiest thing to do most of the time. So onto the funny part, British slang is taking over my classes or more specifically the people I hang out with (call us geeks but it is very fun) we now add words such as knackered, bugger, bloody (I believe that's okay to put online???) and a variety of let's say more colorful words to our daily conversation. Really you should try it, you may sound completely "nutters" but I guarantee you will have a jolly good time.
Sadly, I must cut this entry short as I need to prepare myself for what should be an very....interesting afternoon.
Cheerio from your sassy and sweet mate,
Kelsey
Friday, December 24, 2010
Christmas Trees. Treats and Threats
It has been officially been a year since I made the decision to slim down....over 100 pounds from my fifteen year old self. In that year I turned 16, got my driver's license, Became a highschool Junior, oh and lost 60 pounds. But sadly I'm still not happy with myself, I call myself FAT at least once a day, still hate going shopping and let's just say for a 16 year old girl my social status isn't exactly up to snuff. When I look in my mirror I still see the 232 pound girl in it not the 175 pound girl looking back at me.
I have tried a variety of diets and trends and a whole slew of different ways to lose more weight faster and easier than before. I'm not even ashamed to admit I have tried less then healthy ways to lose weight but nothing ever gave me the results I so longed for the self-satisfaction and self-love I strived to give myself....nothing was ever good enough to erase that FAT girl staring back at me in the mirror.
People tell "how good I look" or "your wasting away" or my personal favorite "OMG you look so good...whats your secret" but that just makes me feel like I have something to prove, I have to work harder, longer, lose more weight faster. My mom and sister try to be supportive but it doesn't also work, when one is losing weight faster because of a helpful little rerouting of her GI tract or when the other has always been confident in her body.
But this Christmas I'm starting again after a 3 month plateau that has left me in the 170's. The newest motivator is a 5K in June for my aunt who passed away right after Thanksgiving of this year (did I mention that grief isn't the best situation for weight loss) and also fitting into my gorgeous Junior Prom dress....not to metion the small little part of me that dreads the day when my mom weighs less then me( yes i know that's incredible SELFISH of me and I shouldn't be in a competition with my mother but still). So now to the reason behind the title besides the fact that is Christmas eve.
My mother this morning has told me that it's a Weight-conscious FREE zone and for ever time I call myself fat I lose the car for a day and for a 16 year-old that is blasphemy and quite Tragic. yet even with that threat hanging over my head I have slipped twice already and it hasn't even been 4 hours yet. But it just makes me want to get to the point where I no longer want to call myself fat because I won't see a fat girl in the mirror but the girl I know is somewhere inside of me waiting to be acknowledged.
On Sunday morning after indulging myself inmassive amounts of Christmas Food ( I only have so much self-control) I will meet up with my aunt, cousin, mom and National Champion Ultimater Frisbee player (oh yeah this is serious business in our family) at a park in 30 degree weather to have our first training session for this 5K and start it all over again.
So wish me luck....and welcome to the next chapter of my slimming saga (the first chapter is yet to be written).
-Kelsey
I have tried a variety of diets and trends and a whole slew of different ways to lose more weight faster and easier than before. I'm not even ashamed to admit I have tried less then healthy ways to lose weight but nothing ever gave me the results I so longed for the self-satisfaction and self-love I strived to give myself....nothing was ever good enough to erase that FAT girl staring back at me in the mirror.
People tell "how good I look" or "your wasting away" or my personal favorite "OMG you look so good...whats your secret" but that just makes me feel like I have something to prove, I have to work harder, longer, lose more weight faster. My mom and sister try to be supportive but it doesn't also work, when one is losing weight faster because of a helpful little rerouting of her GI tract or when the other has always been confident in her body.
But this Christmas I'm starting again after a 3 month plateau that has left me in the 170's. The newest motivator is a 5K in June for my aunt who passed away right after Thanksgiving of this year (did I mention that grief isn't the best situation for weight loss) and also fitting into my gorgeous Junior Prom dress....not to metion the small little part of me that dreads the day when my mom weighs less then me( yes i know that's incredible SELFISH of me and I shouldn't be in a competition with my mother but still). So now to the reason behind the title besides the fact that is Christmas eve.
My mother this morning has told me that it's a Weight-conscious FREE zone and for ever time I call myself fat I lose the car for a day and for a 16 year-old that is blasphemy and quite Tragic. yet even with that threat hanging over my head I have slipped twice already and it hasn't even been 4 hours yet. But it just makes me want to get to the point where I no longer want to call myself fat because I won't see a fat girl in the mirror but the girl I know is somewhere inside of me waiting to be acknowledged.
On Sunday morning after indulging myself inmassive amounts of Christmas Food ( I only have so much self-control) I will meet up with my aunt, cousin, mom and National Champion Ultimater Frisbee player (oh yeah this is serious business in our family) at a park in 30 degree weather to have our first training session for this 5K and start it all over again.
So wish me luck....and welcome to the next chapter of my slimming saga (the first chapter is yet to be written).
-Kelsey
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