It's been a while since my last post...over a year and that's because I gave up, I got comfortable in how I was working and eating. Thinking that since I'm doing what I have done for the past year and half I will also continue to lose the way I had been and that was probably the biggest lie I could have told myself. Since I let myself belief that lie, I stayed exactly the way I was but I had myself convinced that I was still losing weight and getting more comfortable with myself.
Yet in actuality I was digging myself back into the hole that I had almost successful gotten out of...I gained back 10 pounds and gained back almost all of the problems that I had started with. Food became and is still my biggest enemy again ruling my mind and psyche every time I go to take a bite, and in all honestly it's a terrible feeling but I can't seem to remember how I started the last time. Not to mention that the thought of starting over from scratch at least mentally is terrifying but I owe it to myself to give it a valiant try. I'm starting college in the fall and I don't want to go living in the fear of being the "fat" girl or the normal girl who has the "fat girl complex" because I hate those types of girls but I know that I'm ridiculously close to filling that spot and that in itself brings tears to my eyes.
I want to start this chapter of my life with confidence and security in myself, something that I feel I never have had and I'm not quite sure how to go about getting to that spot? It's something I have been struggling with for awhile. I don't want to revert to the more drastic ways I have tried in the past I want to achieve "me" by being healthy and fit and most importantly happy!!! So I have new motivation to try out and hopefully I have gotten my determination because I'm sick and tired of feeling the way I'm feeling and thinking.
I'm going on a cruise in November I bought a bikini....absolutely terrifying but exciting at the same time. It's adorable, teal and lime green and exactly what I imagined would be perfect for island hopping, it fits now but I don't feel pretty in it...so that's my goal to feel pretty and confident in the bikini by November or 5 months.
My biggest problem spot is my stomach and I'm having trouble figuring out how to shrink it up...I'm back to protein shakes for breakfast and working out at least once usually twice a day and we will just have to see where it goes. I will try to keep updating on my process because I heard on that when you write down goals it helps you to stay motivated, so here I go!
start: 163.3
bust: 36
smallest part of waist: 34
widest part of hips: 40
Sassy and striving to be strut worthy in a bikini,
Kelsey
Monday, July 9, 2012
Wednesday, February 2, 2011
Anger induced Motivation....
Today I was offended, upset, disgusted and infuriated all at the same time, same moment, same two guys.
I won't go into detail because well that is just not the kind of person I am, but I will let you know it was an uncalled fore comment that not appropiate in any conversation no matter how good of friends you are or how comfortable you maybe with the other people around you. May I just ask if someone covers their ears seriously in the middle of the conversation wouldn't you take the hint and STOP the conversation, NOT pull the said individual into the said conversation??? Anyway now that I have done my mini rant onto to how this relates to my epic slimming down saga.
After I was dropped off from the car-ride from awkward-land and a series of very upset phone calls (BFF, older sister, mom) I decided to take my sister up on her idea to let out the rage that was slowly consuming my head.....work-out. She said "it helped in the past, it should work now" and was she right. I first blew off the initial anger on an absolutely nutters run on a treadmill, followed by deep-thinking processing on the elipitical and ended with a "just-to-make-sure-any-more-emotions-are-left" series of weight training. As I said Anger is a very, very GOOD motivator for an intense work-out.
Which led to this, If I can channel my pent up emotions (I'm one of those people that bottles stuff up) and use them all while working out, I should in theory be able to work out like a monster every single time and then be down to my dream size in a matter of weeks. Sadly even I, in my creatively imaginative mind, know that, that won't actually work. However it led me to believe that instead of focusing on the future when I workout (c'mon you know dreaming of scenerios where your skinny and all your possible dreams come true because your skinny) I will now focus on the issues I am facing now and use the treadmill, eliptical, and weight training as a free therapist that just happens to take care of my self-image issues at the same time...sounds perfect right?
So as advice to the other emotionally detached out there...keep in a little bottle until you hit the treadmill, you may just get the answer you want, Oh So Very Badly.
For now your sassy and not very sweet today friend,
Kelsey
I won't go into detail because well that is just not the kind of person I am, but I will let you know it was an uncalled fore comment that not appropiate in any conversation no matter how good of friends you are or how comfortable you maybe with the other people around you. May I just ask if someone covers their ears seriously in the middle of the conversation wouldn't you take the hint and STOP the conversation, NOT pull the said individual into the said conversation??? Anyway now that I have done my mini rant onto to how this relates to my epic slimming down saga.
After I was dropped off from the car-ride from awkward-land and a series of very upset phone calls (BFF, older sister, mom) I decided to take my sister up on her idea to let out the rage that was slowly consuming my head.....work-out. She said "it helped in the past, it should work now" and was she right. I first blew off the initial anger on an absolutely nutters run on a treadmill, followed by deep-thinking processing on the elipitical and ended with a "just-to-make-sure-any-more-emotions-are-left" series of weight training. As I said Anger is a very, very GOOD motivator for an intense work-out.
Which led to this, If I can channel my pent up emotions (I'm one of those people that bottles stuff up) and use them all while working out, I should in theory be able to work out like a monster every single time and then be down to my dream size in a matter of weeks. Sadly even I, in my creatively imaginative mind, know that, that won't actually work. However it led me to believe that instead of focusing on the future when I workout (c'mon you know dreaming of scenerios where your skinny and all your possible dreams come true because your skinny) I will now focus on the issues I am facing now and use the treadmill, eliptical, and weight training as a free therapist that just happens to take care of my self-image issues at the same time...sounds perfect right?
So as advice to the other emotionally detached out there...keep in a little bottle until you hit the treadmill, you may just get the answer you want, Oh So Very Badly.
For now your sassy and not very sweet today friend,
Kelsey
Ice Storms, British Slang and Trying to find the Perfect Prom Date
When you are slightly bubbly and I don't mean personality wise finding a prom dat is anything BUT a walk in the park. Especially when the only guy friends you have are either popular, players or the kind of guy that every other girl in school has as their "safe" back-up date. However I remain optimistic in my search for the perfect prom date and in correlation with this my first ever slow dance partner, no matter how desperate the search is becoming.
But I think the real reason that I am so dreadfully afraid of not finding a prom date is the fact that in my, slightly over-analytical, mind (which I might point out comes in handy some of time) makes me believe that it's just because I don't deserve a person to go with, I don't deserve to have my dream moment, because let's face it what girl doesn't dream of the movie prom night...c'mon does "Cinderella Story" ring a bell to anyone or even the scene in "Princess Diaries"( just because it's a ball it still counts as a prom, it's the principle of the matter, PEOPLE!!!). I honestly believe this is part of my fat girl mentality from years of constantly beating myself up, tearing myself down, and having other people due the same. Even with 60 pounds gone and NEVER coming back if I have anything to do with it (which I totally do by the way) I fear I will always carry around this mentality with me....no matter how many calories I cut or extra minutes I do on the treadmill. In my head I will always be the girl who hid behind my book worm nature or my sarcastic-ness.
This if you are wondering was brought on while sitting here in my corner (let's face it, this is where the blog's home is) getting ready to head of to the Hotel in which my Junior prom will take place to plan out the whole thing, after spending the whole last week and a half figuring buses, pictures and post-prom party house....that's a different concern for a different day, but no fear I will end up freaking out about that too, (Can you say Co-Ed sleepover jitters!!!). All this put together with a REALLY AWESOME week last week and a not so good week this week...however this week isn't over yet, I'm trying to remain positive really I am. Makes for a very nervous, and stressed girl who is having trouble with the whole lose 20 pounds before April 1st goal...or in other words a VERY SAD Kelsey.
On to a much more funny aspect of Operation: SSTSD(please look at title for meaning) is the fact I'm trying to remember that I have lost weight, that I am pretty and that I can talk and socialize more with people because I am worthy of it and have worked hard to get where I am. Not going to lie it is not the easiest thing to do most of the time. So onto the funny part, British slang is taking over my classes or more specifically the people I hang out with (call us geeks but it is very fun) we now add words such as knackered, bugger, bloody (I believe that's okay to put online???) and a variety of let's say more colorful words to our daily conversation. Really you should try it, you may sound completely "nutters" but I guarantee you will have a jolly good time.
Sadly, I must cut this entry short as I need to prepare myself for what should be an very....interesting afternoon.
Cheerio from your sassy and sweet mate,
Kelsey
But I think the real reason that I am so dreadfully afraid of not finding a prom date is the fact that in my, slightly over-analytical, mind (which I might point out comes in handy some of time) makes me believe that it's just because I don't deserve a person to go with, I don't deserve to have my dream moment, because let's face it what girl doesn't dream of the movie prom night...c'mon does "Cinderella Story" ring a bell to anyone or even the scene in "Princess Diaries"( just because it's a ball it still counts as a prom, it's the principle of the matter, PEOPLE!!!). I honestly believe this is part of my fat girl mentality from years of constantly beating myself up, tearing myself down, and having other people due the same. Even with 60 pounds gone and NEVER coming back if I have anything to do with it (which I totally do by the way) I fear I will always carry around this mentality with me....no matter how many calories I cut or extra minutes I do on the treadmill. In my head I will always be the girl who hid behind my book worm nature or my sarcastic-ness.
This if you are wondering was brought on while sitting here in my corner (let's face it, this is where the blog's home is) getting ready to head of to the Hotel in which my Junior prom will take place to plan out the whole thing, after spending the whole last week and a half figuring buses, pictures and post-prom party house....that's a different concern for a different day, but no fear I will end up freaking out about that too, (Can you say Co-Ed sleepover jitters!!!). All this put together with a REALLY AWESOME week last week and a not so good week this week...however this week isn't over yet, I'm trying to remain positive really I am. Makes for a very nervous, and stressed girl who is having trouble with the whole lose 20 pounds before April 1st goal...or in other words a VERY SAD Kelsey.
On to a much more funny aspect of Operation: SSTSD(please look at title for meaning) is the fact I'm trying to remember that I have lost weight, that I am pretty and that I can talk and socialize more with people because I am worthy of it and have worked hard to get where I am. Not going to lie it is not the easiest thing to do most of the time. So onto the funny part, British slang is taking over my classes or more specifically the people I hang out with (call us geeks but it is very fun) we now add words such as knackered, bugger, bloody (I believe that's okay to put online???) and a variety of let's say more colorful words to our daily conversation. Really you should try it, you may sound completely "nutters" but I guarantee you will have a jolly good time.
Sadly, I must cut this entry short as I need to prepare myself for what should be an very....interesting afternoon.
Cheerio from your sassy and sweet mate,
Kelsey
Wednesday, January 12, 2011
Ephiany brought on by Snow Days, Seventeen Magazine and a Fire in the Toaster Oven
Today after an exceedingly long time I find myself back to typing my seemingly-never getting better-always goning to be there-I'm really getting tired of this problem with my weight. After my first blog post I went running in Tyler Park started eating really well again, woke up early and ran before school down in my basement....Felt Really Good too. But than life was like "Woah Woah time to get bsy again" and let's just say the 5 am wake up calls became 5:44 am rushed wake-ups and that bag of pretzels was really comforting when I was in the midst of a really bad days where I was haunted by memories of my dad and aunt. Oh! and let's not forget the 4 day trip to Hershey Lodge for Model UN with 12:15pm Cheeseburgers and 6am lattes where you forget to ask for skim milk.
Now I'm back to were I was feeling like I'm never going to improve, lose more weight but forever be fat and I just don't know what to do anymore. I have the need in my mind to change....the same feeling I had when I started this process over a year ago but I just can't put these motivational thoughts into actions or even motion. They are currently trapped in a little box in the middle of my mind screaming to the rest of my body "DO SOMETHING, ANYTHING just to get back in there....YOU CAN DO IT!!" but after years of the rest of me ignoring this little voice continously telling it "SHUT UP...you COULDN'T be more wrong" the little voice is having a very challenging time getting through.
So now I'm sitting on my couch on a snow day, after setting my toaster oven on fire and reading a issue of Seventeen Magazine, thinking instead of ignoring the voice you should be listening to, maybe you should try ignoring the bigger badder voice you have been listening to for the best 15 years. I mean hasn't everyone always said the only way to beat a bully is to stand up to them once and for all. Maybe it'll take longer than last time to get moving and maybe I won't lose 16 pounds in 2 weeks (oh yes it has happened) but if I at least do something....something has to happen because of that, right? that whole cause and effect thing I always hear about applies to this too right? There is a quote from a Sarah Dessen book that has been running through my mind for a couple of days (maybe like 15 days) "If you try anything, if you try to lose weight, or to improve yourself, or to love, or to make the world a better place, you have already achieved something wonderful, before you even begin. Forget failure. If things don't work out the way you want, hold your head up high and be proud. And try again. And again. And again!" maybe if I apply this to my motivational voice in my head I'll be able to wake up at 5am to workout and maybe instead of getting home from school and chowing down on *insert packaged food here* I'll pour myself a big mug of hot tea...since that makes you feel full and warms the soul at the same time (I'm telling the truth about the tea thing I SWEAR!!) or maybe I'll work out in between my 5 hours of homework a night to give my head a break,or maybe drink more water throughout the day to ward of that atrocious little monster I call hunger from attacking me in my weakest spot.
But if that quotes right...which I believe it is, I'll succeed...eventually....but in the end of all of it I will be able to say "I succeed, I DID!" I won't be here sitting on my couch contemplating my next move, worrying that I'll never see my goals come true. I'll be sitting here, or somewhere else, writing about how it worked and how I saw my goals come true and it felt AMAZING!
However I know I have to be reasonable. That post won't be coming for many months, the next post might be, a terrible recount of how much it sucks to be a normal teen trying to lose weight without changing my whole life, or another account of my fustration of not seeing any results. But I guarnatee there will be good posts somewhere in this about small victories and the big ones too. I guess I (and you too, if there is actually anyone reading this) will just have to wait and see what happens, because in my trials of trying to Slim down I don't even know where I'm going to end up.
Always sweet and sometimes Sassy,
Kelsey
Now I'm back to were I was feeling like I'm never going to improve, lose more weight but forever be fat and I just don't know what to do anymore. I have the need in my mind to change....the same feeling I had when I started this process over a year ago but I just can't put these motivational thoughts into actions or even motion. They are currently trapped in a little box in the middle of my mind screaming to the rest of my body "DO SOMETHING, ANYTHING just to get back in there....YOU CAN DO IT!!" but after years of the rest of me ignoring this little voice continously telling it "SHUT UP...you COULDN'T be more wrong" the little voice is having a very challenging time getting through.
So now I'm sitting on my couch on a snow day, after setting my toaster oven on fire and reading a issue of Seventeen Magazine, thinking instead of ignoring the voice you should be listening to, maybe you should try ignoring the bigger badder voice you have been listening to for the best 15 years. I mean hasn't everyone always said the only way to beat a bully is to stand up to them once and for all. Maybe it'll take longer than last time to get moving and maybe I won't lose 16 pounds in 2 weeks (oh yes it has happened) but if I at least do something....something has to happen because of that, right? that whole cause and effect thing I always hear about applies to this too right? There is a quote from a Sarah Dessen book that has been running through my mind for a couple of days (maybe like 15 days) "If you try anything, if you try to lose weight, or to improve yourself, or to love, or to make the world a better place, you have already achieved something wonderful, before you even begin. Forget failure. If things don't work out the way you want, hold your head up high and be proud. And try again. And again. And again!" maybe if I apply this to my motivational voice in my head I'll be able to wake up at 5am to workout and maybe instead of getting home from school and chowing down on *insert packaged food here* I'll pour myself a big mug of hot tea...since that makes you feel full and warms the soul at the same time (I'm telling the truth about the tea thing I SWEAR!!) or maybe I'll work out in between my 5 hours of homework a night to give my head a break,or maybe drink more water throughout the day to ward of that atrocious little monster I call hunger from attacking me in my weakest spot.
But if that quotes right...which I believe it is, I'll succeed...eventually....but in the end of all of it I will be able to say "I succeed, I DID!" I won't be here sitting on my couch contemplating my next move, worrying that I'll never see my goals come true. I'll be sitting here, or somewhere else, writing about how it worked and how I saw my goals come true and it felt AMAZING!
However I know I have to be reasonable. That post won't be coming for many months, the next post might be, a terrible recount of how much it sucks to be a normal teen trying to lose weight without changing my whole life, or another account of my fustration of not seeing any results. But I guarnatee there will be good posts somewhere in this about small victories and the big ones too. I guess I (and you too, if there is actually anyone reading this) will just have to wait and see what happens, because in my trials of trying to Slim down I don't even know where I'm going to end up.
Always sweet and sometimes Sassy,
Kelsey
Friday, December 24, 2010
Christmas Trees. Treats and Threats
It has been officially been a year since I made the decision to slim down....over 100 pounds from my fifteen year old self. In that year I turned 16, got my driver's license, Became a highschool Junior, oh and lost 60 pounds. But sadly I'm still not happy with myself, I call myself FAT at least once a day, still hate going shopping and let's just say for a 16 year old girl my social status isn't exactly up to snuff. When I look in my mirror I still see the 232 pound girl in it not the 175 pound girl looking back at me.
I have tried a variety of diets and trends and a whole slew of different ways to lose more weight faster and easier than before. I'm not even ashamed to admit I have tried less then healthy ways to lose weight but nothing ever gave me the results I so longed for the self-satisfaction and self-love I strived to give myself....nothing was ever good enough to erase that FAT girl staring back at me in the mirror.
People tell "how good I look" or "your wasting away" or my personal favorite "OMG you look so good...whats your secret" but that just makes me feel like I have something to prove, I have to work harder, longer, lose more weight faster. My mom and sister try to be supportive but it doesn't also work, when one is losing weight faster because of a helpful little rerouting of her GI tract or when the other has always been confident in her body.
But this Christmas I'm starting again after a 3 month plateau that has left me in the 170's. The newest motivator is a 5K in June for my aunt who passed away right after Thanksgiving of this year (did I mention that grief isn't the best situation for weight loss) and also fitting into my gorgeous Junior Prom dress....not to metion the small little part of me that dreads the day when my mom weighs less then me( yes i know that's incredible SELFISH of me and I shouldn't be in a competition with my mother but still). So now to the reason behind the title besides the fact that is Christmas eve.
My mother this morning has told me that it's a Weight-conscious FREE zone and for ever time I call myself fat I lose the car for a day and for a 16 year-old that is blasphemy and quite Tragic. yet even with that threat hanging over my head I have slipped twice already and it hasn't even been 4 hours yet. But it just makes me want to get to the point where I no longer want to call myself fat because I won't see a fat girl in the mirror but the girl I know is somewhere inside of me waiting to be acknowledged.
On Sunday morning after indulging myself inmassive amounts of Christmas Food ( I only have so much self-control) I will meet up with my aunt, cousin, mom and National Champion Ultimater Frisbee player (oh yeah this is serious business in our family) at a park in 30 degree weather to have our first training session for this 5K and start it all over again.
So wish me luck....and welcome to the next chapter of my slimming saga (the first chapter is yet to be written).
-Kelsey
I have tried a variety of diets and trends and a whole slew of different ways to lose more weight faster and easier than before. I'm not even ashamed to admit I have tried less then healthy ways to lose weight but nothing ever gave me the results I so longed for the self-satisfaction and self-love I strived to give myself....nothing was ever good enough to erase that FAT girl staring back at me in the mirror.
People tell "how good I look" or "your wasting away" or my personal favorite "OMG you look so good...whats your secret" but that just makes me feel like I have something to prove, I have to work harder, longer, lose more weight faster. My mom and sister try to be supportive but it doesn't also work, when one is losing weight faster because of a helpful little rerouting of her GI tract or when the other has always been confident in her body.
But this Christmas I'm starting again after a 3 month plateau that has left me in the 170's. The newest motivator is a 5K in June for my aunt who passed away right after Thanksgiving of this year (did I mention that grief isn't the best situation for weight loss) and also fitting into my gorgeous Junior Prom dress....not to metion the small little part of me that dreads the day when my mom weighs less then me( yes i know that's incredible SELFISH of me and I shouldn't be in a competition with my mother but still). So now to the reason behind the title besides the fact that is Christmas eve.
My mother this morning has told me that it's a Weight-conscious FREE zone and for ever time I call myself fat I lose the car for a day and for a 16 year-old that is blasphemy and quite Tragic. yet even with that threat hanging over my head I have slipped twice already and it hasn't even been 4 hours yet. But it just makes me want to get to the point where I no longer want to call myself fat because I won't see a fat girl in the mirror but the girl I know is somewhere inside of me waiting to be acknowledged.
On Sunday morning after indulging myself inmassive amounts of Christmas Food ( I only have so much self-control) I will meet up with my aunt, cousin, mom and National Champion Ultimater Frisbee player (oh yeah this is serious business in our family) at a park in 30 degree weather to have our first training session for this 5K and start it all over again.
So wish me luck....and welcome to the next chapter of my slimming saga (the first chapter is yet to be written).
-Kelsey
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