Ephiany brought on by Snow Days, Seventeen Magazine and a Fire in the Toaster Oven

Today after an exceedingly long time I find myself back to typing my seemingly-never getting better-always goning to be there-I'm really getting tired of this problem with my weight. After my first blog post I went running in Tyler Park started eating really well again, woke up early and ran before school down in my basement....Felt Really Good too. But than life was like "Woah Woah time to get bsy again" and let's just say the 5 am wake up calls became 5:44 am rushed wake-ups and that bag of pretzels was really comforting when I was in the midst of a really bad days where I was haunted by memories of my dad and aunt. Oh! and let's not forget the 4 day trip to Hershey Lodge for Model UN with 12:15pm Cheeseburgers and 6am lattes where you forget to ask for skim milk.
Now I'm back to were I was feeling like I'm never going to improve, lose more weight but forever be fat and I just don't know what to do anymore. I have the need in my mind to change....the same feeling I had when I started this process over a year ago but I just can't put these motivational thoughts into actions or even motion. They are currently trapped in a little box in the middle of my mind screaming to the rest of my body "DO SOMETHING, ANYTHING just to get back in there....YOU CAN DO IT!!" but after years of the rest of me ignoring this little voice continously telling it "SHUT UP...you COULDN'T be more wrong" the little voice is having a very challenging time getting through.
So now I'm sitting on my couch on a snow day, after setting my toaster oven on fire and reading a issue of Seventeen Magazine, thinking instead of ignoring the voice you should be listening to, maybe you should try ignoring the bigger badder voice you have been listening to for the best 15 years. I mean hasn't everyone always said the only way to beat a bully is to stand up to them once and for all. Maybe it'll take longer than last time to get moving and maybe I won't lose 16 pounds in 2 weeks (oh yes it has happened) but if I at least do something....something has to happen because of that, right? that whole cause and effect thing I always hear about applies to this too right? There is a quote from a Sarah Dessen book that has been running through my mind for a couple of days (maybe like 15 days) "If you try anything, if you try to lose weight, or to improve yourself, or to love, or to make the world a better place, you have already achieved something wonderful, before you even begin. Forget failure. If things don't work out the way you want, hold your head up high and be proud. And try again. And again. And again!" maybe if I apply this to my motivational voice in my head I'll be able to wake up at 5am to workout and maybe instead of getting home from school and chowing down on *insert packaged food here* I'll pour myself a big mug of hot tea...since that makes you feel full and warms the soul at the same time (I'm telling the truth about the tea thing I SWEAR!!) or maybe I'll work out in between my 5 hours of homework a night to give my head a break,or maybe drink more water throughout the day to ward of that atrocious little monster I call hunger from attacking me in my weakest spot.
But if that quotes right...which I believe it is, I'll succeed...eventually....but in the end of all of it I will be able to say "I succeed, I DID!" I won't be here sitting on my couch contemplating my next move, worrying that I'll never see my goals come true. I'll be sitting here, or somewhere else, writing about how it worked and how I saw my goals come true and it felt AMAZING!
However I know I have to be reasonable. That post won't be coming for many months, the next post might be, a terrible recount of how much it sucks to be a normal teen trying to lose weight without  changing my whole life, or another account of my fustration of not seeing any results. But I guarnatee there will be good posts somewhere in this about small victories and the big ones too. I guess I (and you too, if there is actually anyone reading this) will just have to wait and see what happens, because in my trials of trying to Slim down I don't even know where I'm going to end up.

Always sweet and sometimes Sassy,
Kelsey

Christmas Trees. Treats and Threats

It has been officially been a year since I made the decision to slim down....over 100 pounds from my fifteen year old self. In that year I turned 16, got my driver's license, Became a highschool Junior, oh and lost 60 pounds. But sadly I'm still not happy with myself, I call myself FAT at least once a day, still hate going shopping and let's just say for a 16 year old girl my social status isn't exactly up to snuff. When I look in my mirror I still see the 232 pound girl in it not the 175 pound girl looking back at me.
I have tried a variety of diets and trends and a whole slew of different ways to lose more weight faster and easier than before. I'm not even ashamed to admit I have tried less then healthy ways to lose weight but nothing ever gave me the results I so longed for the self-satisfaction and self-love I strived to give myself....nothing was ever good enough to erase that FAT girl staring back at me in the mirror.
People tell "how good I look" or "your wasting away" or my personal favorite "OMG you look so good...whats your secret" but that just makes me feel like I have something to prove, I have to work harder, longer, lose more weight faster. My mom and sister try to be supportive but it doesn't also work, when one is losing weight faster because of a helpful little rerouting of her GI tract or when the other has always been confident in her body.
But this Christmas I'm starting again after a 3 month plateau that has left me in the 170's. The newest motivator is a 5K in June for my aunt who passed away right after Thanksgiving of this year (did I mention that grief isn't the best situation for weight loss) and also fitting into my gorgeous Junior Prom dress....not to metion the small little part of me that dreads the day when my mom weighs less then me( yes i know that's incredible SELFISH of me and I shouldn't be in a competition with my mother but still). So now to the reason behind the title besides the fact that is Christmas eve.
My mother this morning has told me that it's a Weight-conscious FREE zone and for ever time I call myself fat I lose the car for a day and for a 16 year-old that is blasphemy and quite Tragic. yet even with that threat hanging over my head I have slipped twice already and it hasn't even been 4 hours yet. But it just makes me want to get to the point where I no longer want to call myself fat because I won't see a fat girl in the mirror but the girl I know is somewhere inside of me waiting to be acknowledged.
On Sunday morning after indulging myself inmassive amounts of Christmas Food ( I only have so much self-control) I will meet up with my aunt, cousin, mom and National Champion Ultimater Frisbee player (oh yeah this is serious business in our family) at a park in 30 degree weather to have our first training session for this 5K and start it all over again.
So wish me luck....and welcome to the next chapter of my slimming saga (the first chapter is yet to be written).
-Kelsey